I’m not sure what I am going to type here. Most definitely not something inspirational, and to some, entirely triggering. So if you have depression or dark thoughts, this will not help you feel better. In fact, if you are an empathetic person, this may make you feel worse. Reader beware.
Today, has been a day. The past week, has been a week. The past month, has been a month. The days, the months, the years, don’t get any easier. I have found that the older you get, they just go by faster. I continue to experience a rollercoaster of emotions and my life feels about as small as it ever has. I know that I am doing some good things for myself. I know its for the right reasons. It just feels like the energy it takes to do what I am doing in life is more than I have to give. So many people are in need of so much that it feels like there is nothing left of me to give. I don’t have enough time. I don’t have enough money. I don’t have enough energy. How can I continue to take care of other people when I feel like I can’t take care of myself? There is still so much to do but there aren’t enough hours in the day. I feel like every time I get close to getting my head above water something pulls me back down. I have nothing witty or motivational left to say. My students got everything I had today. My hope is that at least some of them understand that even if they don’t think that someone cares about them and their ability to be successful contributors to the world; I care. As much or as little as that matters to them, its why I am a teacher.
I feel bad for my family. I am tired and angry most of the time. It’s not their fault. I’ve spent most of my life trying to please other people or fix things. Sure I fall into the selfish trap every once in a while and do things for myself, but it seems that those moments in time are few and far between. And as much as I would like to say F-it and run away from everything and go live under a bridge, there is something inside me that continues to say, “Stick it out! It will be worth it!” I know my family loves me. I know there are students out there who need to hear that I care. I know there is good in the world. I know that I am where I need to be for now. And I’ll be OK. Writing all of this out is cathartic in a way. At the very least it allows me to vent and not keep it all bottled up. I know some of you know what I mean. That’s just the way I feel.
If you think you might need some help, or know someone who may need this, please remember that someone is there to listen to you 24 hours a day at https://988lifeline.org/.
You are loved.
Picture borrowed from